Amerie, "Crush"

Just posting this because I love it!

This commercial is a lie.

I think I can say that while Axe commercials on the whole are generally clever and amusing, Axe shower gel does not have the effect of turning sexy women feral.

Pitbull update

Two things:

1) Remember "Hotel Room Service"? Well, I just realized that the phrase "Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn" used in the chorus of that song is also utilized multiple times in the Sugarhill Gang's first major hit, "Rapper's Delight." It would be amazing if this was some sort of coincidence, but I suspect it's really meant as some sort of tribute. I'm sure the guys are proud, Pitbull.*

2) So this is apparently the cover of Pitbull's soon-to-be-released album, "Rebelution":

This needs to be recognized as the artistic triumph and national treasure that it is. I want to see this plastered on billboards all over America; I want posters stapled to every telephone pole; I want this design to replace the traditional stars and stripes on the American flag and "Hotel Room Service" adopted as the new national anthem.

*The Sugarhill Gang is still active, according to Wikipedia! That's pretty sweet.

Drugs are bad, man

Alpha Dog is a movie with many surprises. For one thing, it's set in Claremont. It's also based (sort of) on a true story: the drug-related kidnapping and murder of a fifteen-year-old in 2000, which is not at all a slightly tacky subject to base a film off of. As such, Alpha Dog adopts attitudes towards teenagers and drug use that wouldn't seem out of place in a film about juvenile delinquency from the 1950s. White, upper-middle class teenagers are out of control and enabled or ignored by their parents. Also, pot is deadly. And yeah, if I saw this movie with no prior familiarity with this attitude, I would totally agree. The teenage characters in Alpha Dog are disgustingly irresponsible and entitled, and the parents aren't much better. Some of the parents turn a blind eye to their childrens' activities, while others actively encourage drug dealing and partying. And the mother of the eventually murdered fifteen-year-old, Zack, is depicted as unintentionally stifling and infantilizing her son, contributing to his decision to remain with his kidnappers. Fun stuff. Another interesting thing about Alpha Dog is the cast. Without further ado, here are the most amusing/surprising actors that popped up in this movie.

9. Bruce Willis. Willis' character is the father of Johnny Truelove, the drug dealer who orders the kidnapping and murder of the fifteen-year-old. Mr. Truelove is involved in the organized crime scene and supplies Johnny with weed for him to sell. In an EXTREMELY IRONIC MOMENT, he claims that bad parenting is to blame for the murder.


8. Emile Hirsch. Hirsch plays Johnny Truelove, whose grossness cannot be properly expressed here. Basically he's a weenie who gets his lackeys to kidnap and kill Zack and then take the fall for him. Interestingly (and, I think, quite deliberately), the director makes some pretty obvious hints regarding the sexuality of Truelove and his gang. Although all the guys have girlfriends with whom they have plenty of sex, there are...well, moments that just don't fit with that. Moments such as the scene in which Johnny's pal Frankie jokingly says that Elvis (who owes Johnny money and is trying to pay him back by doing chores for him) would suck Johnny's dick if Johnny told him to, which turns into Johnny actually somewhat seriously insisting that Elvis give him a blowjob (Elvis declines). Furthermore, Johnny's wardrobe choices are...curious:

7. Amanda Seyfried. Mean Girls chick Seyfried plays Julie, the girl who thinks that the fact that Zack has been kidnapped is totally hot. She and a friend of hers then take his fifteen-year-old virginity. It's a classy scene.

6. Justin Timberlake. Timberlake plays Johnny Truelove's conflicted right hand man, who befriends the kidnapped Zack but then assists in killing him. He's also covered in fake tattoos. His dad grows weed in the backyard, another shining example of parenting in this movie.

5. Sharon Stone. Stone is Zack's emasculating mother, who throws "homework parties" for him (sadly, we never get to witness one of these). She also wears a fat suit. Let me state that again: SHARON STONE WEARS A FAT SUIT IN THIS MOVIE. And then she has a major freakout right at the end, when she's recounting how she found out that Zack was dead and the subsequent trial. If you can only watch five minutes of the movie, watch those five minutes. Truly, cinema has never produced anything as beautiful as this.

4. Chris Marquette. Marquette plays Keith, a stoner pal of Frankie's who makes highly inappropriate comments towards his girlfriend's mother. He's special because I recognized him from the cancelled TV show Joan of Arcadia, which was about a high schooler, Joan, who can talk to God (he appears in various different incarnations). Marquette played Joan's perpetually sexually frustrated artistic boyfriend Adam Rove. Adam! Turn back to God!

3. Ben Foster. Foster plays Zack's older half-brother, Jake Mazursky, whose debts to Johnny Truelove result in Zack's kidnapping. He's a crazy violent fuck on speed who breaks into Truelove's house with some friends and then shits on the floor (but not before stealing the television set). Together with Justin Timberlake, Foster is covered in zillions of fake tattoos...unlike his appearance in X-Men 3: The Last Stand! That's right, he played the gentle and uplifting Angel, whose only desire was to fly free as God intended! Oh Angel, how far have you fallen...

2. Anton Yelchin. He doesn't have an adorable Russian accent in Alpha Dog (though he damn well should), but you might recognize young Mr. Yelchin as Chekhov from Star Trek. Here he plays Zack, whose youthful folly and naivety result in a glorious, five-minute meltdown from a fat-suited Sharon Stone. In case you'd forgotten.

And last, and also least, we have:

1. Olivia Wilde! Everybody's favorite strong Irish-American heroine from The Black Donnellys plays the trashy, blowjob happy girlfriend of Johnny Truelove, Angela. She even comes in two flavors: trashy blond, and...

...trashy brunette. In this touching scene, having fled Claremont after Zack's murder, Johnny and Angela hang out in their hotel room in...well, somewhere...and Angela tries to get newly bleach-blond, distracted Johnny to sex her up. This ends with Angela getting angry and comparing Johnny's limp dick to "bubblegum."

Stay gold, girl!

America's Psychic Challenge

Oh man, are you ready for this?

Yeah. You're ready for this. "This" being "America's Psychic Challenge," a reality show on Lifetime, in which psychics compete in various challenges to win $100,000. In each episode, the two psychics that receive the highest scores go on to the quarterfinals, and the two that receive the lowest scores are eliminated. In the first challenge in the first episode, the contestants have to use their psychic energies to locate a person sitting in one of the rooms of an abandoned mental hospital. Let's meet the contestants!

Contestant #1 is Karyn, a former accountant.

She says, "I started seeing dead people at the age of two. It's something that runs in my mom's side of the family." You don't say! This is about as interesting as Karyn gets. Incidentally, she's not a very good psychic; her guess is way off on this first challenge.

Contestant #2 is Jamie, a radio psychic. He actually does pretty well on the first challenge; he selects the room adjacent to the room where the person is hiding.

Contestant #3 is Jackie, whose neurotic passive-aggressive qualities develop charmingly over the episode. "My specialty is working with DAs across the country, finding serial killers." God, I hope not. She also claims that people call her "The White Serpent" for her work with the spirits of the dead. Of course they do, dear. Like Karyn, Jackie is also guesses way off on the first challenge.

Contestant #4 is the awesomely named Zenobia, who also fails the first challenge pretty hard. Unlike her competitors, however, Zenobia is actually kind of endearing. Her voice is alternately squeaky and hoarse, and she tends to make vague yet truthful statements such as, "Pain, torment, it's not a good feeling." You said it, sister!

Oh, wait a minute! It's time to test YOUR psychic powers! Can you tell which card is the jack of diamonds??

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Did you get it right? If so, you may be psychic!

No? You didn't get it? Okay, let's try another one! Use your psychic abilities to tell which state Katie is from!

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YEAH! MINNESOTA REPRESENT!

The next challenge involves the contestants doing a psychic reading of a celebrity sitting behind a screen, who they cannot talk to. They are given a picture of said celebrity in a sealed envelope and also one personal item belonging to the celebrity, a watch. They can earn up to 25 points for describing the celebrity correctly, and more if they can identify her. The alleged celebrity in question is Lisa Williams, Lifetime psychic. Er, medium.

Hair and arrogant smirk aside, Lisa is kind of a fun bitch, silently laughing at the psychics from behind the screen. Check out her gleeful reaction to Karyn's statement, "I feel like this person really understands music." Lisa's nevertheless pretty generous with points, giving Karyn 21 out of 25, though Karyn feels like she deserved more. Hey Karyn? Take what you can get, you know?

Anyway, Karyn's bumbling is totally overshadowed by Jackie's neurotic display. While the other psychics sit at the table to do the reading, Jackie wanders all over the place, touching the screen and muttering things to herself. Her reading is as follows:

"Grandma had a big lesson for you, just knew you were going to do it. Upper respiratory, something was affected by the throat as well, um, with yourself. You've been something with [?], and thyroid. I keep getting the throat, like as if, uh, something with singing, something...The envelope means nothing to me, the watch means nothing. It's more of what I'm feeling from the oldest spirit coming through. I would say this is, uh, is is all I'm getting, some eyeglasses [?]. Nothing too impressive, not about the celebrity. Nothing too impressive is coming."

A rather miffed Lisa Williams awards Jackie 15 out of 25 points for not trying hard enough. Jackie is upset and complains to John, the host, that she can't do readings without seeing or talking to the person. She creeps around John, hovering over his shoulder, and mumbles something about him having problems with depression and high cholesterol, "but you know that already." An uncomfortable John asks, "Are you doing a reading of me?" When she says yes, he tells her to stop that. No, don't stop, Jackie! I want to hear more.

It turns out hovering is kind of a habit for Jackie:

In the final and not in the least bit tasteless or exploitative challenge, the contestants are introduced to the family of a murder victim and instructed to use their powers to figure out who was killed and how. It's really such a tactless Lifetime thing to do that I'm not going to relate the details, only that Zenobia and Jackie do well enough to advance to the quarterfinals, while the comparatively bland Jamie and Karyn are eliminated. And that's that.

Bonus psychic challenge! Which phone is about to ring?

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Can you handle this????

Are you psychic? Let Lifetime know! Also, feel free to share any personal tragedies, preferably lurid enough to land a brief spot on the next season of America's Psychic Challenge.

More Backstreet Boys!

New Backstreet Boys single, with the rather long name "Straight Through My Heart (Soldier Down)", is pretty awesome. Listen to it, love it.

Just for you

omg soooo fucking sexy y'all!!! <3 <3 <3