America's Psychic Challenge

Oh man, are you ready for this?

Yeah. You're ready for this. "This" being "America's Psychic Challenge," a reality show on Lifetime, in which psychics compete in various challenges to win $100,000. In each episode, the two psychics that receive the highest scores go on to the quarterfinals, and the two that receive the lowest scores are eliminated. In the first challenge in the first episode, the contestants have to use their psychic energies to locate a person sitting in one of the rooms of an abandoned mental hospital. Let's meet the contestants!

Contestant #1 is Karyn, a former accountant.

She says, "I started seeing dead people at the age of two. It's something that runs in my mom's side of the family." You don't say! This is about as interesting as Karyn gets. Incidentally, she's not a very good psychic; her guess is way off on this first challenge.

Contestant #2 is Jamie, a radio psychic. He actually does pretty well on the first challenge; he selects the room adjacent to the room where the person is hiding.

Contestant #3 is Jackie, whose neurotic passive-aggressive qualities develop charmingly over the episode. "My specialty is working with DAs across the country, finding serial killers." God, I hope not. She also claims that people call her "The White Serpent" for her work with the spirits of the dead. Of course they do, dear. Like Karyn, Jackie is also guesses way off on the first challenge.

Contestant #4 is the awesomely named Zenobia, who also fails the first challenge pretty hard. Unlike her competitors, however, Zenobia is actually kind of endearing. Her voice is alternately squeaky and hoarse, and she tends to make vague yet truthful statements such as, "Pain, torment, it's not a good feeling." You said it, sister!

Oh, wait a minute! It's time to test YOUR psychic powers! Can you tell which card is the jack of diamonds??

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Did you get it right? If so, you may be psychic!

No? You didn't get it? Okay, let's try another one! Use your psychic abilities to tell which state Katie is from!

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YEAH! MINNESOTA REPRESENT!

The next challenge involves the contestants doing a psychic reading of a celebrity sitting behind a screen, who they cannot talk to. They are given a picture of said celebrity in a sealed envelope and also one personal item belonging to the celebrity, a watch. They can earn up to 25 points for describing the celebrity correctly, and more if they can identify her. The alleged celebrity in question is Lisa Williams, Lifetime psychic. Er, medium.

Hair and arrogant smirk aside, Lisa is kind of a fun bitch, silently laughing at the psychics from behind the screen. Check out her gleeful reaction to Karyn's statement, "I feel like this person really understands music." Lisa's nevertheless pretty generous with points, giving Karyn 21 out of 25, though Karyn feels like she deserved more. Hey Karyn? Take what you can get, you know?

Anyway, Karyn's bumbling is totally overshadowed by Jackie's neurotic display. While the other psychics sit at the table to do the reading, Jackie wanders all over the place, touching the screen and muttering things to herself. Her reading is as follows:

"Grandma had a big lesson for you, just knew you were going to do it. Upper respiratory, something was affected by the throat as well, um, with yourself. You've been something with [?], and thyroid. I keep getting the throat, like as if, uh, something with singing, something...The envelope means nothing to me, the watch means nothing. It's more of what I'm feeling from the oldest spirit coming through. I would say this is, uh, is is all I'm getting, some eyeglasses [?]. Nothing too impressive, not about the celebrity. Nothing too impressive is coming."

A rather miffed Lisa Williams awards Jackie 15 out of 25 points for not trying hard enough. Jackie is upset and complains to John, the host, that she can't do readings without seeing or talking to the person. She creeps around John, hovering over his shoulder, and mumbles something about him having problems with depression and high cholesterol, "but you know that already." An uncomfortable John asks, "Are you doing a reading of me?" When she says yes, he tells her to stop that. No, don't stop, Jackie! I want to hear more.

It turns out hovering is kind of a habit for Jackie:

In the final and not in the least bit tasteless or exploitative challenge, the contestants are introduced to the family of a murder victim and instructed to use their powers to figure out who was killed and how. It's really such a tactless Lifetime thing to do that I'm not going to relate the details, only that Zenobia and Jackie do well enough to advance to the quarterfinals, while the comparatively bland Jamie and Karyn are eliminated. And that's that.

Bonus psychic challenge! Which phone is about to ring?

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Can you handle this????

Are you psychic? Let Lifetime know! Also, feel free to share any personal tragedies, preferably lurid enough to land a brief spot on the next season of America's Psychic Challenge.