And now...

It's time to talk about something very near and dear to my heart:


Your eyes do not deceive you! The Black Donnellys lasted less than half a season on NBC back in 2007. This is because it was not a very good show. It was, however, gloriously stupid. And I do mean glorious. Let's take a look at the pilot episode, shall we?

Meet the Donnelly bros, from oldest to youngest. We begin with:

1. Jimmy, the least attractive and most unlikeable of the four. To be succinct, he is a junkie gimp and an asshole who is constantly being enabled by his brothers. Jimmy should not be trusted with authority over anyone or anything, ever. His talents include extorting money and getting in fights. His girlfriend Joanie, as we shall see in later episodes, is fabulous.

2. Tommy is the main character and supposedly the most well-adjusted and intelligent of the brothers. He also supposedly attends art school. This sets up a whole bunch of problems about the brothers' ages, as shall be addressed in a later post. But the actual issue here is that Tommy can't draw:

For real.

3. Kevin's talents include losing money and being a follower, not a leader. He's also the only Donnelly brother lacking a love interest for the entire season. Unlike the other brothers, he also kind of grows on you, simultaneously becoming the most bloodthirsty and loveable of the four.

4. Sean is the youngest and most useless of the Donnelly brothers. He's a high school dropout and lives at home with his mom (to be fair, all of the brothers still live at home). Sean is also kind of a whore.

Here he is making out with Kim, the girl Tommy's been dating, about two minutes after meeting her.

The narrative is told by one Joey Ice Cream (first in a long line of stupid names). Joey was friends with the brothers back in the 'hood, and he tells the story to some interrogators while in prison, beginning with an almost certainly inaccurate history of the "Black Irish." Presumably, this explains why the brothers aren't a bunch of gingers. The Donnellys run an Irish pub in Hell's Kitchen, because of course they do. This naturally means that we are treated to a brawl set to a jaunty Irish tune within five minutes of being introduced to the brothers, setting up a common motif for the rest of the season. They also have connections to the Irish mob, which is run by Huey Farrell, through their deceased father. Not that the Irish mob has any actual power.

Early in the episode, we learn that Jimmy stole a truckload of ugly Hawaiian shirts. This actually becomes important later. Then, for no real reason Jimmy, Kevin, and Sean decide to kidnap Louie Downtown, who happens to be the nephew of Sal Minetta, head of the Italian mob. Tommy finds out about this later and wants them to give Louie Downtown back.

Time to meet the Italians!

Specifically, meet Nicky Cottero, Sal's right hand man. Coincidentally, the actors playing Nicky (Kirk Acevedo) and Sal (Mark Margolis) also crossed paths on HBO's Oz. Mark Margolis' character was leader of the Italians for about 10 episodes before Adebisi injected him with the blood of an AIDS patient, because that's just how Adebisi rolls. On The Black Donnellys (spoiler!), he doesn't even last out the episode.

Kirk Acevedo's Oz character, on the other hand, survived all six seasons of the show as the occasional leader of the Latino gang. This man is, in fact, so special that he deserves his own post. However, for now I have only one thing to say about his stint on The Black Donnellys: he's not Italian, he just plays one on TV.

Anyway, this seems like as good a place as any to establish Jenny Reilly as Tommy's rather elfin love interest. They're a good match for each other, since both are rather boring and neither are able to communicate with the other in an adult manner.

The first time we meet Jenny, she is busy carving up a huge side of ham in the Donnelly's pub, setting up another motif of the series: Irish women continually attempting to feed other people meat. Joey Ice Cream explains that Jenny's worthless husband disappeared five years ago (this further complicates the issue of the characters' ages). "No one had the heart to tell Jenny," he says.

Jenny and her father run Reilly's Diner. Take a good look, because this is about as busy as it ever gets.

To return to the plot of the episode, the Italians give Jimmy the ransom for Louie Downtown. However, Nicky and his subordinate Vinnie, acting without Sal's permission, beat Sean and Kim unconscious with baseball bats while some song that's probably by Celtic Woman plays in the background. And if it's not a Celtic Woman song, it damn well should be. Nicky maintains a gleeful expression during this scene, because he's a man who likes his job. And because he's awesome.

Jimmy then kills Louie Downtown because that's the only thing he can do that could possibly make the situation even worse. The entire family plus Jenny then has their rendezvous in the hospital.

This is the first glimpse we get of the Donnelly matriarch, naturally attempting to shove what is undoubtedly a corned beef sandwich down Kevin's throat. Fortunately for us, she doesn't have any lines in this episode. This woman is a monster.

Tommy meets with Huey, who tells him that Sal will forgive Jimmy for killing Louie if Jimmy returns the ransom money and apologizes in person. Tommy interprets this to mean that Huey's going to let Sal kill Jimmy. To protect Jimmy, Tommy manages to get him arrested for stealing those shirts at the beginning of the episode. Then he goes to deal with Huey and Sal, but not before Kevin decides to tag along. In one of the show's (very) few touching moments, Tommy asks Kevin where he's going. Kevin answers, "Wherever you are."

Note the sandwich.

It is revealed, somewhat absurdly, that the reason Tommy will go to any lengths to protect Jimmy is because he was driving the car that struck Jimmy's leg when they were kids, something that only Tommy and Joey know. Tommy and Kevin then kill the heads of both the Irish and Italian mobs. Glorious, right?

Coming soon: posts on the Black Donnellys age quandary, Jimmy's girlfriend Joanie, and Kirk Acevedo.