Drugs are bad, man

Alpha Dog is a movie with many surprises. For one thing, it's set in Claremont. It's also based (sort of) on a true story: the drug-related kidnapping and murder of a fifteen-year-old in 2000, which is not at all a slightly tacky subject to base a film off of. As such, Alpha Dog adopts attitudes towards teenagers and drug use that wouldn't seem out of place in a film about juvenile delinquency from the 1950s. White, upper-middle class teenagers are out of control and enabled or ignored by their parents. Also, pot is deadly. And yeah, if I saw this movie with no prior familiarity with this attitude, I would totally agree. The teenage characters in Alpha Dog are disgustingly irresponsible and entitled, and the parents aren't much better. Some of the parents turn a blind eye to their childrens' activities, while others actively encourage drug dealing and partying. And the mother of the eventually murdered fifteen-year-old, Zack, is depicted as unintentionally stifling and infantilizing her son, contributing to his decision to remain with his kidnappers. Fun stuff. Another interesting thing about Alpha Dog is the cast. Without further ado, here are the most amusing/surprising actors that popped up in this movie.

9. Bruce Willis. Willis' character is the father of Johnny Truelove, the drug dealer who orders the kidnapping and murder of the fifteen-year-old. Mr. Truelove is involved in the organized crime scene and supplies Johnny with weed for him to sell. In an EXTREMELY IRONIC MOMENT, he claims that bad parenting is to blame for the murder.


8. Emile Hirsch. Hirsch plays Johnny Truelove, whose grossness cannot be properly expressed here. Basically he's a weenie who gets his lackeys to kidnap and kill Zack and then take the fall for him. Interestingly (and, I think, quite deliberately), the director makes some pretty obvious hints regarding the sexuality of Truelove and his gang. Although all the guys have girlfriends with whom they have plenty of sex, there are...well, moments that just don't fit with that. Moments such as the scene in which Johnny's pal Frankie jokingly says that Elvis (who owes Johnny money and is trying to pay him back by doing chores for him) would suck Johnny's dick if Johnny told him to, which turns into Johnny actually somewhat seriously insisting that Elvis give him a blowjob (Elvis declines). Furthermore, Johnny's wardrobe choices are...curious:

7. Amanda Seyfried. Mean Girls chick Seyfried plays Julie, the girl who thinks that the fact that Zack has been kidnapped is totally hot. She and a friend of hers then take his fifteen-year-old virginity. It's a classy scene.

6. Justin Timberlake. Timberlake plays Johnny Truelove's conflicted right hand man, who befriends the kidnapped Zack but then assists in killing him. He's also covered in fake tattoos. His dad grows weed in the backyard, another shining example of parenting in this movie.

5. Sharon Stone. Stone is Zack's emasculating mother, who throws "homework parties" for him (sadly, we never get to witness one of these). She also wears a fat suit. Let me state that again: SHARON STONE WEARS A FAT SUIT IN THIS MOVIE. And then she has a major freakout right at the end, when she's recounting how she found out that Zack was dead and the subsequent trial. If you can only watch five minutes of the movie, watch those five minutes. Truly, cinema has never produced anything as beautiful as this.

4. Chris Marquette. Marquette plays Keith, a stoner pal of Frankie's who makes highly inappropriate comments towards his girlfriend's mother. He's special because I recognized him from the cancelled TV show Joan of Arcadia, which was about a high schooler, Joan, who can talk to God (he appears in various different incarnations). Marquette played Joan's perpetually sexually frustrated artistic boyfriend Adam Rove. Adam! Turn back to God!

3. Ben Foster. Foster plays Zack's older half-brother, Jake Mazursky, whose debts to Johnny Truelove result in Zack's kidnapping. He's a crazy violent fuck on speed who breaks into Truelove's house with some friends and then shits on the floor (but not before stealing the television set). Together with Justin Timberlake, Foster is covered in zillions of fake tattoos...unlike his appearance in X-Men 3: The Last Stand! That's right, he played the gentle and uplifting Angel, whose only desire was to fly free as God intended! Oh Angel, how far have you fallen...

2. Anton Yelchin. He doesn't have an adorable Russian accent in Alpha Dog (though he damn well should), but you might recognize young Mr. Yelchin as Chekhov from Star Trek. Here he plays Zack, whose youthful folly and naivety result in a glorious, five-minute meltdown from a fat-suited Sharon Stone. In case you'd forgotten.

And last, and also least, we have:

1. Olivia Wilde! Everybody's favorite strong Irish-American heroine from The Black Donnellys plays the trashy, blowjob happy girlfriend of Johnny Truelove, Angela. She even comes in two flavors: trashy blond, and...

...trashy brunette. In this touching scene, having fled Claremont after Zack's murder, Johnny and Angela hang out in their hotel room in...well, somewhere...and Angela tries to get newly bleach-blond, distracted Johnny to sex her up. This ends with Angela getting angry and comparing Johnny's limp dick to "bubblegum."

Stay gold, girl!