Oz, "A Game of Checkers"

There's a scene in Arrested Development in which poor innocent George Michael Bluth accidentally stumbles across the HBO prison series Oz because he mistakes it for The Wizard of Oz and is forever scarred as a result. I too discovered Oz accidentally, and my poor fifteen-year-old mind was both fascinated and traumatized by the experience. For all its faults, I do love it, and so I've decided to recap one of my favorite episodes: the season one finale, "A Game of Checkers." Let's go!

We begin with both Schillinger and Beecher getting sent back to Em City. Schillinger convinces McManus that he'll stay out of trouble and not kill Beecher because his parole is coming up soon. Meanwhile, Beecher is mentally unstable: not mentally unstable like Adebisi, but mentally unstable in a kind of wacky and annoying way. "I shit all over a man," he tells McManus, "It's not normal."

Yeah, whatever, Beecher. You know what's really not normal? The total lack of ass shots in this episode. Zero. Ass. Shots. And Oz is usually so generous in this regard! On the other hand, this does mean that we're spared the sight of Beecher's pasty ass as he's being let out of the Hole. Small mercies, I supposed.

Here's Adebisi calling Schillinger an asswipe, just because he can.

Things are heating up in Oz. McManus has figured out that Scott Ross, new head of the Aryans, has been extorting cigarettes from Diane and makes her promise to stop. Scott Ross is not pleased with this development. There's been turnover among the Latinos as well; Miguel is the new leader. Comfortingly, some things always stay the same. Such as Kenny getting smacked around by Adebisi:

Also, there are rumors circulating that the Muslims are going to riot. These rumors are not inaccurate.

Although the Muslims don't start the riot, though they sure as hell end it. The riot starts for real when these two random guys get in a fight over a game of checkers, and it just devolves from there.

And so we learn, definitively, that Said really does rule the school. Having waited on the sidelines during the entire riot as the prisoners take over Oz, he takes control of the prisoners with a single gunshot. He then gathers the leaders of the major respective gangs to divide responsibilities and draw up a list of demands that the governor promptly ignores, deciding it would be better to send in SWAT team to sort the whole thing out.

But in the meantime, Scott Ross and the Aryans control the gate, Miguel and the Latinos get the hostages, and Adebisi's homeboys are in charge of all comings and goings. Ryan also gets a vote on the council, even though he only has Beecher backing him up. Factions quickly begin to form, with Ryan holding on to an uneasy alliance with Scott Ross and Adebisi, while Miguel sides with Said.

Hey, you know who I really don't need to hear a lecture on responsibility from?

Hill. Thanks anyway, though!

McManus decides to trade himself for two of the wounded hostages. He also brings sandwiches. As tension between Ross's and Adebisi's gangs start to erupt over the food, an exasperated Ryan steps in to distribute one sandwich to each prisoner. "Okay gents, line the fuck up! One...one...I said one, Wangler!" The other members (Said, Miguel, Adebisi, Scott Ross) on the short-lived council were there because they had lots of manpower. Ryan managed to get a place on the council because he was smart.

Meanwhile, it turns out that McManus and Said have major philosophical differences regarding the justice system! Who knew?!

The situation begins to unravel further as the prisoners start to run out of drugs, and Adebisi and most of his gang are tied up to keep them out of trouble as withdrawal begins. We are treated to one of the most insane flashbacks to ever grace this fine show:

Adebisi straight up cuts off an undercover police officer's head with a machete. Do not mess with this man.

At last, the season, episode and riot end with Devlin sending in the SWAT team to straighten things out, hostages be damned.

There really never was a dull moment on this show. Everything about it was so gratuitous and over the top, from the violence to the sex and nudity and insane storylines and characters. Oz wasn't a realistic prison show by any means, but it sure as hell was an entertaining one.

Prepare yourself.

And now...

It's time to talk about something very near and dear to my heart:


Your eyes do not deceive you! The Black Donnellys lasted less than half a season on NBC back in 2007. This is because it was not a very good show. It was, however, gloriously stupid. And I do mean glorious. Let's take a look at the pilot episode, shall we?

Meet the Donnelly bros, from oldest to youngest. We begin with:

1. Jimmy, the least attractive and most unlikeable of the four. To be succinct, he is a junkie gimp and an asshole who is constantly being enabled by his brothers. Jimmy should not be trusted with authority over anyone or anything, ever. His talents include extorting money and getting in fights. His girlfriend Joanie, as we shall see in later episodes, is fabulous.

2. Tommy is the main character and supposedly the most well-adjusted and intelligent of the brothers. He also supposedly attends art school. This sets up a whole bunch of problems about the brothers' ages, as shall be addressed in a later post. But the actual issue here is that Tommy can't draw:

For real.

3. Kevin's talents include losing money and being a follower, not a leader. He's also the only Donnelly brother lacking a love interest for the entire season. Unlike the other brothers, he also kind of grows on you, simultaneously becoming the most bloodthirsty and loveable of the four.

4. Sean is the youngest and most useless of the Donnelly brothers. He's a high school dropout and lives at home with his mom (to be fair, all of the brothers still live at home). Sean is also kind of a whore.

Here he is making out with Kim, the girl Tommy's been dating, about two minutes after meeting her.

The narrative is told by one Joey Ice Cream (first in a long line of stupid names). Joey was friends with the brothers back in the 'hood, and he tells the story to some interrogators while in prison, beginning with an almost certainly inaccurate history of the "Black Irish." Presumably, this explains why the brothers aren't a bunch of gingers. The Donnellys run an Irish pub in Hell's Kitchen, because of course they do. This naturally means that we are treated to a brawl set to a jaunty Irish tune within five minutes of being introduced to the brothers, setting up a common motif for the rest of the season. They also have connections to the Irish mob, which is run by Huey Farrell, through their deceased father. Not that the Irish mob has any actual power.

Early in the episode, we learn that Jimmy stole a truckload of ugly Hawaiian shirts. This actually becomes important later. Then, for no real reason Jimmy, Kevin, and Sean decide to kidnap Louie Downtown, who happens to be the nephew of Sal Minetta, head of the Italian mob. Tommy finds out about this later and wants them to give Louie Downtown back.

Time to meet the Italians!

Specifically, meet Nicky Cottero, Sal's right hand man. Coincidentally, the actors playing Nicky (Kirk Acevedo) and Sal (Mark Margolis) also crossed paths on HBO's Oz. Mark Margolis' character was leader of the Italians for about 10 episodes before Adebisi injected him with the blood of an AIDS patient, because that's just how Adebisi rolls. On The Black Donnellys (spoiler!), he doesn't even last out the episode.

Kirk Acevedo's Oz character, on the other hand, survived all six seasons of the show as the occasional leader of the Latino gang. This man is, in fact, so special that he deserves his own post. However, for now I have only one thing to say about his stint on The Black Donnellys: he's not Italian, he just plays one on TV.

Anyway, this seems like as good a place as any to establish Jenny Reilly as Tommy's rather elfin love interest. They're a good match for each other, since both are rather boring and neither are able to communicate with the other in an adult manner.

The first time we meet Jenny, she is busy carving up a huge side of ham in the Donnelly's pub, setting up another motif of the series: Irish women continually attempting to feed other people meat. Joey Ice Cream explains that Jenny's worthless husband disappeared five years ago (this further complicates the issue of the characters' ages). "No one had the heart to tell Jenny," he says.

Jenny and her father run Reilly's Diner. Take a good look, because this is about as busy as it ever gets.

To return to the plot of the episode, the Italians give Jimmy the ransom for Louie Downtown. However, Nicky and his subordinate Vinnie, acting without Sal's permission, beat Sean and Kim unconscious with baseball bats while some song that's probably by Celtic Woman plays in the background. And if it's not a Celtic Woman song, it damn well should be. Nicky maintains a gleeful expression during this scene, because he's a man who likes his job. And because he's awesome.

Jimmy then kills Louie Downtown because that's the only thing he can do that could possibly make the situation even worse. The entire family plus Jenny then has their rendezvous in the hospital.

This is the first glimpse we get of the Donnelly matriarch, naturally attempting to shove what is undoubtedly a corned beef sandwich down Kevin's throat. Fortunately for us, she doesn't have any lines in this episode. This woman is a monster.

Tommy meets with Huey, who tells him that Sal will forgive Jimmy for killing Louie if Jimmy returns the ransom money and apologizes in person. Tommy interprets this to mean that Huey's going to let Sal kill Jimmy. To protect Jimmy, Tommy manages to get him arrested for stealing those shirts at the beginning of the episode. Then he goes to deal with Huey and Sal, but not before Kevin decides to tag along. In one of the show's (very) few touching moments, Tommy asks Kevin where he's going. Kevin answers, "Wherever you are."

Note the sandwich.

It is revealed, somewhat absurdly, that the reason Tommy will go to any lengths to protect Jimmy is because he was driving the car that struck Jimmy's leg when they were kids, something that only Tommy and Joey know. Tommy and Kevin then kill the heads of both the Irish and Italian mobs. Glorious, right?

Coming soon: posts on the Black Donnellys age quandary, Jimmy's girlfriend Joanie, and Kirk Acevedo.

Oh. My. God.

I've been waiting to stumble upon something truly fabulous to kick off my contributions to this blog, and last week, it happened.

As I was zoning out channel surfing, I came across BBC America's "Any Dream Will Do." It's the American Idol-style search for the next star of Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat."

And all I have to say is, Oh. My. God.

To give you the slightest idea of what I mean, please look below:

Now, I must admit, I pretty much despise all Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals, especially this one, but the reality show that's based on it, well, that's just good, clean, Andrew Lloyd Weber-will-haunt-your-dreams fun! It's one of those reality T.V. programs that makes you so uncomfortable you can't bear to look away. It's full of young boys, rainbows, glitter, loincloths, show tunes, Andrew Lloyd Weber sitting on a gilded throne, and, as Linus would say, "nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see." Now, none of that would be weird (well, except for Weber and his throne) if it weren't for the utter lack of self-awareness that seems to permeate the series. The show is hosted by Graham Norton, bless his hilarious heart, who seems to be taking advantage of the situation by wearing as many technicolor dream suits as humanly possible. As lovely as the man is, even he seems to think it's completely normal that, each time a contestant is eliminated, his fellow Josephs strip him of his coat (revealing a skintight black tank top underneath) or that one of their challenges was to parade around in loincloths to "prepare" them for the many costumes of our Biblical hero.

In the end, it's not the ridiculousness of the whole operation that really gets you. It's the utter and complete childlike sincerity of the whole thing--that's what makes every corny, over-the-top rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" (no kidding--they changed the lyrics to make it sound like it was sung by a man) and "Beyond the Sea" seem like the barely tolerable screech of nails on a blackboard, regardless of how good the singer actually is. And that sincerity also happens to be what makes you feel like a horrible, no-good, dream-crushing scumbag for laughing at it.

Some things just have to be experienced to be appreciated. I give you, "The Boys are Back in Town," performed by a whole bunch of bedazzled, technicolor Josephs. At least they aren't in loincloths this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FSCYKcsTSw&feature=related

P.S. My goal this summer is to master this incredible choreography. God, I love it!

Destiny's Child (feat. T.I. and Lil Wayne), "Soldier"

I'm posting this because I like Destiny's Child. And T.I. And Lil Wayne. And I love the male equivalent of video hoes.

Mostly, though, I'm posting because of the guy on the left over here:


Hello.

All you need to know about Mari Mancusi's Gamer Girl

One excerpt:

"I entered my room, shut my door, and turned up my stereo, blasting My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade album. I'd heard it a gazillion times, but I still loved Gerard's passionate voice. It was as if he totally understood all my pain. If only he went to Hannah Dustin [High School]. We'd be soul mates, for sure." (Gamer Girl, 71)

This passage demonstrates the transformative power of art, specifically the music of the punk pop band My Chemical Romance, on Maddy, the teenage heroine of Mari Mancusi's work Gamer Girl. Maddy's natural creativity is stifled by the middle-class, suburban conformity and rigid social hierarchy of her new high school, and she believes that not even her family is capable of truly understanding the heavy emotional toll this takes on her spirit. Music, as well as art and the elaborate fantasy worlds she constructs both on her own and through online role playing games (RPGs), provides Maddy with the escape she craves--yet at the same time it fuels her fertile imagination and ultimately gives her the power to establish her place in this new society on her own terms. Indeed, she feels so intimately connected to music that she refers to Gerard Way, the lead singer of her favorite band, as though the two are actually on a first name basis. She confidently asserts that, if she knew Way personally, they would be "soul mates," suggesting that she relates to this band not just emotionally, but on a deeply spiritual level as well.

Ali Lohan, "Christmas Magic"

Sometimes it's good to hate. With that in mind, I'd be remiss to not share Ali Lohan's "Christmas Magic." Watch along with me!

0:05 Weird, maggoty looking snowflakes begin to crawl all over the screen for the next four minutes as Lohan the younger wanders aimlessly through the Christmas trees. I don't really need to see any of this. On the other hand, I absolutely do need to see an Ali Lohan music video about the magic of Hanukkah. Unfortunately, I looked up the songs in Lohan Holiday, and none of them appear to be in anyway Hanukkah related. No Kwanzaa-inspired tunes either. Alas.

0:23 The singing begins amidst occasional sepia images of Aryan children playing with toys and old people dancing as more poorly animated swirlies flutter across the screen. Santa makes an appearance in there somewhere.

1:28 This is supposed to be a Christmas tree lot, but the trees are already decorated. Curious.

1:47 SOUL.

2:49 Wardrobe change, complete with shiny gold elbow length gloves and a tiara. Also, she appears to be wearing pants under the dress.

2:56 Furry #1

3:19 Furry #2. Rudolph, I presume?

3:25 Truly terrifying.

Now, I don't demand technical perfection, but girl can't sing. And if you can't sing, you'd better have the character to make up for it, which Ali Lohan also doesn't have. She's totally dead behind the eyes as she stands there awkwardly. She knows the video sucks and doesn't care, and she doesn't commit to the song either. The lyrics are alternatively extremely muddled or just embarrassingly bad. Fair enough, I probably couldn't do much better, but I'm not the one shilling my shitty album. I'd be more inclined to be forgiving (she's going through puberty! Her voice is still developing!) if I hadn't seen an episode of Living With The Lohans. On a show designed to make these people look good, Ali comes across as a brat. Though I blame it on the mother for the most part--fourteen-year-olds do not need "careers"--the sense of entitlement that pervades the show is just grotesque and therefore only contributes to the overall horror of "Christmas Magic." In sum: Ali Lohan can neither sing, nor has much to say anyway.

See, wasn't that cathartic?