EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A HERO.

Some people become firefighters. Others become pilots. And some play Darkon.

As I was browsing the infinitely interesting documentary section of Hulu.com, I came across "Darkon," a cinematic gem about a community of live-action role-players living in a claustrophobic Baltimore suburb. I was captivated, to say the least.

Basically, people who play Darkon create a character who "lives" in the imaginary land of Darkon. Their character joins or creates a kingdom by buying imaginary hexons of "land" using "money" that they somehow "earn" by dressing up in homemade costumes and hitting each other with foam swords every other Sunday. This in-game currency is not to be confused with actual money, which all Darkon players seem to be distinctly lacking; this is actually what makes them, bear with me on this one, extremely endearing.

First, we have the affably tragic Darkon-ites. There's the film's primary subject, whose real name escapes me but who is known in-game as Bannor of Laconia. He's a stay-at-home dad, bitterly excluded from his family's playing card business, and whose friends claim, without ANY embarrassment or irony, that their frat-boy glory days were spent playing Dungeons and Dragons.

There's the teenager who looks and fights exactly like the Youtube Star Wars kid. He uses Darkon as a weight loss program and a social network that will one day bring him the courage he needs to talk to a girl.

There's the Iraq War veteran who states that, after seeing an eight-year-old girl with a bomb strapped to her, he is searching for some meaning in life.

There are also several wonderfully simple young men in the film, the types that you imagine just like beating the crap out of each other with foam swords on the weekends.

And then there's Kenyon Wells, aka Keldar of the Mordomian Empire. I cannot even begin to describe exactly how much, in word, deed, and appearance, Mr. Wells resembles Dwight Schrute from "The Office."

Spooky, huh?
Kenyon even claims that before Darkon, he was bad at dealing with people, but by playing Keldar, he has risen to a management position in his workplace.

Anyhow, "Keldar" here is pretty much a Darkon bully who generates all the action in the movie. He's the leader of Mordom, an extremely populous, land-hogging, and evil kingdom that is quickly defeating all the other kingdoms and taking over Darkon. We can only assume that he is also the author of the ridiculously infectious Mordom rallying cry: "HAIL MORDOM! Hail Mordom! HAIL MORDOM! Hail Mordom!" You can imagine my surprise when that got stuck in my head.

Bannor of Laconia, the pudgy, lovable stay-at-home dad we mentioned earlier, is worried by how powerful Keldar is becoming and wants to unite the other kingdoms to take him down. He mentions something about Mordom committing war crimes, but basically he wants to be the big man on campus, so he's going after the reigning champion.
Here's Bannor gearing up to kick some foam:

It may seem silly to dwell so long on people's in-game characters and story lines, but if you hold that sentiment, you fail to realize just how deep this game actually goes. I can get more correct image search hits for these people by using their in-game names than their real ones, and Mordom, it turns out, has an official logo.

It's weird, it's really weird, but you'll be surprised at how much you wind up liking these guys. They have very distinct personal philosophies and reasons for playing. Bannor sees his quest to defeat the Mordomian Empire as the quintessential American struggle against tyranny and oppression. One of the other rebels, later on, remarks that he feels that Mordom is like the United States, while Laconia and the other kingdoms are like "the terrorists," a comment that draws a truly hilarious sneer from the woman sitting next to him.

But the truly amazing thing about "Darkon," the thing that sneaks up and slaps you across the face, is how down to earth these people actually are. The clarity with which they view themselves approaches self-deprecation at times. In one-on-one interviews, they admit that their lives seem pointless, without direction, without control, and that they use the game to escape those feelings. They are reclaiming their right to matter in a world that doesn't need them to be anything more than drones. From the lathe operator to the fabric buyer, they all feel lost and forgotten in the maze of housing developments and freeways, sweeping vistas of which take on a breathless beauty in the hands of our filmmakers. There is a truly touching moment when "Bannor," going about his mundane husbandly duties, pauses while taking out his trash to look up at a jet plane. The haunting violin score contributes to these themes of alienation and disillusionment.

I recently read an editorial in the New York Times about how to manage feeling out of control in the current economic climate. The writer referred to his grandmother, a Holocaust survivor. For a short period during her time in a concentration camp, she fed a stray cat with her own food. According to psychologists, the writer claims, many Holocaust survivors made it day to day by creating an illusion of control in their lives, be it completely internal or more external, like feeding a cat.

As I watched "Darkon," I couldn't help but think back to this article. LARP sure looks insane, but perhaps it's just another mechanism humans use to simulate control; maybe these mechanisms are the only things that keep any of us sane anymore. So maybe LARP isn't your thing, but maybe you go to movies, maybe you drive fast cars, maybe you have a misleading Myspace page, or maybe you drink all the time.

All that being said, LARP in action looks hilarious and this movie is a ball to watch. Despite how deep its waters run, you'll be laughing for most of "Darkon." In one scene, players attack what appears to be a giant, deranged Sour Patch Kid made of foam, without any explanation whatsoever. In another, a small child engages in a very long epic battle sequence all by himself. The climactic Darkon battle occurs at the Citadel of Peace, which the players must build themselves. You can imagine the scale of the results.

As funny as it is, "Darkon" never feels unfair, exploitative, or voyeuristic. Though it's weird, the people come across very well. Save for a few exceptions, they are incredibly cooperative and respectful of one another. Remember when you were little, and you used to play pretend, and you'd "kill" somebody, but they'd just keep saying "You missed me!" and wouldn't stay down?
Yeah, those kids don't play Darkon.

All in all, "Darkon" is a well-made and engaging documentary about a fascinating, if cringe-inducing subculture. It winds up delving deep into the ways Americans construct selfhood and deal with failure and alienation.

And remember. Never trust an elf.

Mariah Carey, "Obsessed"

I was listening to "Every Girl" (Lil Wayne feat. Drake) on the radio not too long ago, and all I could think was how much I want Wayne and all these other decent artists to just ditch the autotune.* It's too easy now to cover up bad singing and rapping, and it sounds more sloppy than interesting after you've heard it the first few times. That said, I do think it is completely possible for autotuning to be applied in ways that can actually make a song sound better. "Obsessed" is one such song.

"Obsessed" is also supposedly a diss song about Eminem. Eminem, whose songs are filled with outdated and not especially clever pop culture references. One of his most recent singles, "We Made You" contains various gags about such current material as "Rock of Love," Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, and Sarah Palin. This appears to be a common trend in Relapse, which apparently also at one point or another takes a poke at Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, prompting "Obsessed." As one might expect, the insults in "Obsessed" are more bizarre than cutting: "You so so lame," "You a mom and pop/I'm a corporation/I'm a press conference/And you a conversation" and my favorite "Seeing right through you like you're bathing in Windex." It's oddly fitting, that Carey is releasing a diss song directed at Eminem that obsesses over obsession as both stars fade into irrelevance. And for that I do love it.

*Especially Lil Wayne, because he has probably the most recognizable and unique voice in hip hop today. He doesn't need the autotune to sound cool.

There are no nice men.

Poor Samson.

He was just trying to make an honest, non-Irish mob related living. He had a decent blue collar job. He didn't do drugs, beat people up, extort money from old family friends, gamble excessively, steal cars, kidnap Italians, or accidentally kill disabled veterans. He probably didn't live with his parents. In other words, Samson was a normal, mentally stable guy. But Samson, alas, was unlucky in matters of the heart. And much like the Biblical figure he was named after, he fell victim to love.

When Jenny slept with him that one time, little did he know that she'd only done it to make Tommy jealous. When he caught her trying to sneak out on him before he woke up, he was understandably somewhat hurt. When she told him outright that sleeping with him had been a mistake, Samson was clearly disappointed but not angry. He told her that he respected her decision, and said that he would leave the ball in her court. Because Samson was a nice, normal guy and capable of behaving like an adult regarding his relationships. In real life, having recognized that Jenny loved Tommy, Samson would have moved on and probably found a nice, normal girl who would have loved him back.

But this is not real life, this is The Black Donnellys. And the writers just couldn't leave Samson alone because emotionally stable men do not exist in the Donnelly universe. So poor rejected Samson began acting out of character; he became a crazy stalker who hung around Reilly's Diner and alternated between crying and making threats. In the season finale, Jenny beat him to death with a crowbar, but the real Samson had disappeared many episodes ago. He was the victim of character assassination by the very people who created him.

Oh Samson, we hardly knew ye!

"Bumpits"

A few brief notes about this:

I find something intrinsically laughable about these three hoes just hanging out by the pool with their bikinis and sunglasses and Bumpits, while the commercial confidently assures us that this is a "fabulous" look.

I'm not sure what the deal is with this woman's hair. Is it damp? Has it been fried? I seriously don't know.

Huh.
You, too, can look like this for $19.99!!

I sort of wish that they would've gone all out and given this girl a straight up Marie Antoinette pompadour. Something to aspire to.

Yeah, that's all I got.

The missing link?

I started watching Dark Angel, an over-hyped and long defunct sci-fi show starring Jessica Alba. The premise is that in 2000, the government secretly created a bunch of transgenic super soldiers, who later escaped in 2009, the same time that the U.S. economy collapsed due to an event called "the Pulse." The show, which is set in an economically depressed Seattle ten years later, follows the adventures of Jessica Alba's character Max, one of the escaped super soldiers. It's pretty bad. As I was watching, I noticed that the male lead looked awfully familiar. Who is this tool, I wondered. Finally, I realized that this guy...

is this guy. Gross.

The similarities are striking. Both NCIS and Dark Angel are (or were, in the latter case) not very good shows that lasted far longer than they should have. Both have inexplicably strong fan bases. And Michael Weatherly had a major (and annoying) role in both, which leads me to wonder if he simply gravitates towards bad shows or if his presence alone is enough to cause a show to turn bad. In other words, could Michael Weatherly be the missing link?

Anyway, Dark Angel. Max is a sassy bioengineered super soldier. She has super strength, heals quickly, can run faster than a speeding bullet, etc. However, in the third episode "Flushed," it's revealed that she periodically suffers from seizures due to a tryptophan deficiency (tryptophan is a kind of amino acid that is found in milk). She also has big, poofy lips that are kind of distracting.

Max is in Seattle because she's trying to track down her missing super-siblings, and that's where Michael Weatherly's character Logan comes in. Since he's an expert computer hacker, the arrangement is that he finds information about her siblings and she does, er, legwork for him.

See, because Logan's so good with computers and because he comes from a rich family and therefore doesn't have to work, he occupies his time by taking down corrupt officials and sex slavery rings and the like as "Eyes Only." It's an irritatingly self-righteous venture.

Naturally, Logan gets shot in the back in the pilot episode in a staggering display of competence, giving him even more things to whine about. Max sticks around out of guilt and because he's supposed to be her love interest. Though god forbid that they ever actually communicate like adults about those funny feelings they have for each other.

Max works as a bike messenger for this guy, who we're supposed to believe is a real jerk for trying to run his business in an efficient manner. Because it's just not fair that employees should, I don't know, work for their paychecks. The nerve!

Max also has a sassy black lesbian friend, Cindy, who is absolutely in no way a stereotype. Nope.

Cindy decides that Max must be a junkie and flushes her seizure medication. Max breaks into a hospital to try to get more pills but gets caught and sent to jail. Logan informs Cindy about Max's seizures and, after making her feel sufficiently guilty, thinks it would be a great idea to rub it in more: "Even paying off the right people [to get Max out of jail] would take two or three days. She doesn't have that much time...No meds, seizures get bad enough--she could go into a coma and die."

What a dick!

The dilemma is solved by smuggling Cindy into prison dressed as a hooker, of course.

So far I've watched four Dark Angel episodes, and three of the four involve either Max, Cindy, or both pretending to be hookers at some point. The episode in which nobody got dressed up as a hooker was based on the premise that Max periodically goes into heat because she has cat genes. I really, really wish I was making this up.

But I'm not.

Hey, let's talk about this guy

KIRK ACEVEDO.

I could probably talk about this man all day. But I'll settle for some highlights, starting with his most famous role as Miguel Alvarez on Oz, back when he was young, frequently shirtless, and smoking.

There were lots of characters with tragic stories on Oz, but ultimately, Miguel was probably the most tragic of all of them. He got stabbed in the very first episode, and during the first season his infant son died shortly after birth due to all the drugs he and his girlfriend had taken during her pregnancy. Needless to say, Miguel was not very emotionally stable. He resorted to cutting multiple times, and on one occasion he smeared his own shit all over the walls of his cell while in solitary confinemint. His grandfather and father were also prisoners in Oz, and Miguel was clearly trapped in this cycle. Everybody, and I do mean everybody, tried to kill him at one point or another. Yet Miguel made it through all six seasons of Oz, an impressive feat. The show's narrator didn't even survive six seasons! And when he was finally defeated, it was by his own demons; by his impulsiveness, his inability to control his temper, his despair. Miguel wasn't a sociopath, but he was clearly incapable of functioning in normal society. A sad ending for a character who generally meant well but was too deeply invested in the system that destroyed him.

That said, Miguel was great. Check out that swagger, that sneer. He had this lean, muscular look that I find absolutely irresistable, and those big, brown eyes. His fashion sense was pretty awesome as well:

After Oz, Kirk Acevedo then showed up as Italian mobster Nicky Cottero on the ill-fated yet fabulous The Black Donnellys. Nicky was very different from Miguel in a lot of ways (and not just because he was Italian). For one thing, Nicky wore a lot more leather than Miguel. He never lost control; everything he did was carefully calculated, whether that meant extorting money from Tommy Donnelly or poisoning his pesky mob boss. Not only that, he genuinely seemed to enjoy his job, and he was a real trooper. In one episode he got whacked in the head with a shovel for killing a few Irish he wasn't supposed to kill. Nicky didn't even get knocked unconscious! He just found a way to get even.

But Nicky did have a few things in common with Miguel, like excellent survival instincts. He also had a great sense of style; he completely renovated Sal Minetta's restaurant to include a snazzy bar and a strip club in back. He also had a special relationship with the strippers; on one occasion he sent his subordinate Vinny out to do surveillance work so he could screw one of the girls for the rest of the episode. Finally, Nicky had more swagger than any of the other characters on The Black Donnellys. I mean, just check out the body language in this picture! Nicky ruled.

So what is Kirk Acevedo up to nowadays? He has a role in Fringe as Agent Charlie Francis (no, really), ethnicity undetermined. As we can see, he's also adopted a more corporate look, though I do think he needs to wear snappier ties.

Fringe really, really wants to be a cross between CSI and X-Files, which would be a cool concept if the show itself wasn't kind of dumb. I made it about halfway through one episode; the premise was that some dude created an Internet pop-up in which a glowy hand comes out of the computer and somehow liquifies the brain of the person downloading it (the episode title was "The No-Brainer," har har). Seriously. Agent Francis is mostly involved in the police work on Fringe, not the CSI component. There was this one scene where Agent Dunham comes home to find her niece Ella downloading the file and pulls her away from the screen just as the glowy hand thing emerges. She later describes the incident to Agent Francis: "There were flashes on the computer screen...like bursts of images...and they affected Ella in some way, like she was hypnotized." He gives her this long suffering look...

...and then after a pause, says, "I'm going to call Computer Forensics..." and then leaves.

God, Kirk Acevedo is amazing. And not just because he has the best ass I've ever seen on TV or in real life.

Backstreet Boys, "I Want It That Way"

I think the only way this song could possibly be improved would be by adding Spanish subtitles. And lo and behold!

God, remember how AJ was supposed to be the cool, badass Backstreet Boy? AJ, with his tattoos and those fucking sunglasses and his masculine, masculine dance style (especially at 1:35)? I am way, way more amused than I have any right to be by his little antics in this video. Seriously, don't even bother watching the other ones. Just watch AJ.

Excellent!

So lately I've been on a major, nostalgic Destiny's Child kick. And today I found a little something I've been looking for for awhile, and it was only $8.
Yeah, that's right. Survivor.

Back in the day when I had almost no exposure at all to anything other than classical music; back when the only popular music I was familiar with consisted of Britney Spears, the Spice Girls, N'Sync, and Backstreet Boys; before I had ever dated or even experienced strong feelings about boys; that was when I first discovered "Survivor." I can honestly say that no '90s song (although "Survivor" came out in 2001, I will forever associate it with the '90s) affected me as much as this one did. I wasn't aware of Destiny's Child's other work, except for "Bootylicious," but I knew that these girls were fierce! I wasn't aware of the inner turmoil and rivalries or the iron grip Mama and Papa Knowles had on the group. Destiny's Child was as manufactured as the Spice Girls or Backstreet Boys, but I didn't realize it back then. Maybe that's why "Survivor" meant as much as it did for me, and the reason why I could believe and identify with the lyrics. I still love this song, eight years later, and I still know most of the lyrics by heart. It was a real treat to hear the entire album for the first time, from the fun Charlie's Angels tie-in "Independent Women" to the lovely "Emotion."

There's still room for hypocrisy, though, especially with "Nasty Girl," in which group instructs some nameless girl to not "walk out your house without your clothes on." They complain that "You make it hard for girls like myself/who respect themselves and have dignity." My question is this: if your house is made of glass, does the amount of clothing you wear outside it really matter? I'm willing to forgive other lapses in consistency, like the conflicting ideas in songs like "Survivor" ("Now that you're out of my life I'm so much better") and songs like "Dangerously in Love" ("I can't do this thing called life without you here with me"). It's pop music, and it's OK. And then, and always, there is "Survivor," the song I first heard as a painfully awkward and shy sixth grader; the song that assured me that everything was going to be all right. "I'm not gon' stop/I'm gon' work harder!"

Standout tracks: "Survivor," "Emotion"

Criminally underrated

Argument: Nerds are hotter and more underappreciated as their secret identities than as superheroes/villains/etc.

The sexy nerd is an elusive breed on TV and film, but a real treasure. They're more than competent, they're good at what they do and they know exactly what they're doing. They don't need to show off to let you know that they're really the ones running the show.

Case in point #1: Dean Cain as Clark Kent.

In the awesome show Lois and Clark (which I intend to write about further), Clark Kent was playful, awkward, and totally adorable. He usually let the much more assertive Lois (a young Teri Hatcher!) take the lead, but he wasn't incompetent or stupid. Overall he was just a good guy; the kind of man you'd want to be father to your children. Everybody knew it.
And he was totally hot in his own nerdy way! And, in my opinion, much hotter as Clark Kent than as Superman. It's not about the costume (well, maybe a little bit...). It's partly the glasses and the hair, but really, a lot of it has to do with attitude. Thus, Clark Kent >> Superman.

Case in point #2: Cilian Murphy as Dr. Crane/Scarecrow.

Cilian Murphy as Dr. Crane in Batman Begins looks like and acts like that one prick in high school who was always better than you at Model UN or speech and debate or mock trial. And in his own nerdy way, he was kind of cute, but god was he easy to loathe because you just knew that this kid was going to be running the country someday or something.

Also, it's tough to argue that Crane's alter ego is sexier than the guy underneath:

In all fairness, Cilian Murphy did a hell of a job looking threatening while running around with a bag on his head and getting beaten up by Batman. But there's really no comparison. Dr. Crane >> Scarecrow.

In conclusion, nerds rule.

A dilemma for the ages

One of the loose ends the writers of The Black Donnellys really never tied up was exactly how old the brothers were supposed to be. They all looked like they were about the same age except for Jimmy, who looked slightly older (in fact, the actors playing the Donnellys were all born in 1981 and 1982). Thus, we have to rely on the show itself to determine their ages.

There are four major clues to help us out. 1) Tommy is in art school, 2) Sean is a high school dropout with a year and a half to go to get his diploma, 3) the Donnelly patriarch was killed ten years ago, and 4) Jenny's husband has been missing for five years. Based on clues #1,2, and 3, Tommy was originally estimated to be 21 years old and Sean 18 years old, since it's unclear how long it's been since he dropped out of school. Kevin is between Tommy and Sean, so he must be 19 or 20. There's no technical upper limit regarding Jimmy's age except for the flashback scenes that show him as a child, which gives us a basis for comparison with the other Donnellys. So we'll just go ahead and say he's 23. Since Jenny is Tommy's major love interest, she is assumed to be his age. The brothers' father died when Tommy, Kevin, and Sean were all children and Jimmy was an adolescent, so the estimated ages make sense here.

It's clue #4 that screws up this scenario entirely. In "The Black Drop," there is an extended flashback sequence that shows some period when Tommy and Jenny were dating. The scene depicts the end of Tommy and Jenny's relationship and Jenny subsequently being friendly with her future husband. Since in present time, we are told that Jenny's husband disappeared five years ago, let's say that this flashback occurred six years ago. By the initial calculations, Tommy and Jenny would have both been fifteen in this scene!

Do they look fifteen to you? That means Jenny would have gotten married at fifteen or sixteen years old! So let's revise the ages. We'll say Tommy is currently 23 (maybe he took a year or two off before starting art school?), making him a slightly more acceptable 17 years old in the flashback. Let's keep the assumption that Jimmy is two years older than Tommy and thus must be 25, and Jenny is Jimmy's age instead of Tommy's age. Therefore, she would have married at 19. We'll say that Kevin is currently 21 years old, which actually makes more sense than the original scenario since he's always shown drinking in bars. There's no real need to revise Sean's age. HOWEVER. We still have a problem. See, in the flashback, after Tommy confronts Jenny's dad (who, evidently following in the tradition of interfering Irish parents, wants Tommy to stop seeing Jenny), he then goes to the Firecracker Lounge to try to make things up with Jenny. There, he finds Jimmy, Kevin, and Sean. Jimmy tells him that he just won the Firecracker in a bet. It's a little hard to see in the screenshot below (the director never did fix the goddamn lighting), but all four brothers are clearly present.

If this happened six years ago when Tommy was 17, Jimmy would have been 19, Kevin would have been 15, and Sean would have been 12. Sean would have been 12. Forget the legal drinking age, Sean wouldn't even have reached puberty yet! And yet there they all are, drinking beers and looking exactly the same as they do in the present age. So unless the brothers magically skipped ten years of their lives, we kind of have a problem. Either the writers didn't notice this, or they were hoping we wouldn't notice.

I'm not demanding an explanation or revision, though. I think it's kind of perfect, actually, because it's so emblematic of the issues that plagued the entire series. On the one hand, they wanted The Black Donnellys to be serious, but in so many respects the characterization and plots they came up with just didn't convey much depth, and the dialogue (particularly between Tommy and Jenny) was too stilted. The writers did their best and I respect that, but it is what it is. And what it is kind of half-baked, but still entertaining in lots of unexpected ways. Even if that wasn't quite what they intended.

And Now for a Quick Reminder From Jenny Reilly

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT YOUR SANDWICH!

Testing My Video Skillz...

Check this out. Because it's awesome.

Puberty, Then and Now:

Better, Faster, Stronger, More Hair Extensions.

It's a little early to start with the "kids these days" rants, but I think you'll agree with me that certain cultural elements are revolutionizing our ideas regarding that much maligned stage of life known as puberty. I am specifically referring to the depiction of puberty on the Disney channel and Nickelodeon.

Time was when all you needed to be a cute little adolescent was a scrunchie, a modicum of hygiene know-how, and a plucky can-do attitude. Not so anymore! Gear up kiddies: if you want to depict an "ordinary kid" in a kids show, you better BRING IT, and by it, I mean a caffeine high, a diet, a stylist, an acting coach, a Dolce&Gabbana wardrobe, and a spare cat's worth of hair extensions.

No kidding! (So to speak). Don't believe me? Allow me to illustrate my point with a few comparisons. Here we go: '90s kids and '00s wunderkinds head to head! Game on!

First off, the storytellers:

"iCarly"

According to imdb.com users, these kids run a web show from Carly's (center) brother's loft apartment. They are "underground celebrities to kids" and their show features hilarious comedy sketches...!

Say, those kids tell stories to other kids, kind of like the '90s classic...

"Are You Afraid of the Dark"

These guys, who, judging from their expressions, we can only assume have just seen Andrew Lloyd Weber in a loin cloth, are the members of the Midnight Society. They gather late at night in the woods to tell spooky stories around the campfire. So pretty much the only technology they use to their advantage is the powder they throw on the fire to make it flare up.

This is a good showdown to kick it off with, as "Are You Afraid of the Dark" utilizes many of the most common '90s stereotypes: the dumb good looking guy, the dorky smart guy, and last but certainly not least, the incredibly androgenous, deep-voiced tomboy, here named Kiki:

DON'T MESS.

Compare her to Carly's equally deep-voiced, aggressive best friend, Sam:

Umm, yeah...'nuff said?
Though it's pretty clear that Goldilocks here couldn't hold a candle to Kiki in a fight, it's interesting that the tomboy lives on...though in a decidedly more femme manifestation. But what's with the Rapunzel hair anyway? Could you handle a curling iron at twelve?

Ok, so points to the "iCarly" kids for grooming, and both shows score in the nonexistent parent category, but I'm giving full points to the "Are You Afraid of the Dark" kids for jaded worldview.
While "iCarly" focuses on comedy, the tales told by the members of the Midnight Society freqeuntly feature underlying themes of home invasion, stalking, a mistrust of the old and the antique, and an Oedipal fear of bringing about the death of one's parents. That's some pretty heavy stuff for a sunny Saturday afternoon!

Time for some buddies who get into mischief...

"The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"

Twin aryan ideals Zack and Cody live in a hotel. Inevitable hijinks ensue.

Hey, there are two boys starring in that one, just like...

"The Adventures of Pete and Pete"

Ok, this one's a weird one. Pete is a (possibly Caulkin?) ginger with a younger brother who, in an absentee-parent-of-the-century move, is also named Pete. Lil' Pete is a bit of a psycho, and all of the kids in this one are just a little...strange. And kinda dirty. For example, the bully is known simply as Pit Stains. Oh, and it seems to feature cameos of classic '90s pop stars, like bandmembers from R.E.M., the New York Dolls, the Violent Femmes, the B52s, and more--pretty cool considering these guys are definitely not Disney-approved stars. This show is one of a dying breed; I think the concept of having a show just about kids doing things that kids might actually do is extinct now. It's also difficult to describe, so I'll just throw out a clip of the gang making friends with what appears to be the neighborhood child molester. Not Artie; the Tastee guy. Yep. Mr. Tastee.



Compare that to this segment of the summer school episode of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody." Check out the hair extensions on this cast!





Once again, the '90s show has to take the award for being twisted and jaded. I mean, Lil' Pete has a tattoo of a sexy woman he calls Petunia on his arm. Come on! That kid is hard core. Way harder core than two nimrods who play in a hotel lobby.

And now it's time for the secret identity showdown!

"Hannah Montana"

So Miley Cyrus has a music career. But you know what sucks about having a music career? You don't get to be a normal kid anymore. So she enters into her music career under the pseudonym Hannah Montana. So when she's not performing in a blonde wig, she can just be normal brunette Miley Cyrus. And nobody notices.

"The Secret World of Alex Mack"

Alex Mack lives in a town dominated by a large chemical plant and she doesn't like to look both ways before crossing the street. Why is this a recipe for thrilling adventure? Because one day, when she was not looking both ways before crossing the street, she got hit by a truck carrying high-tech chemicals. One of the barrels burst open, soaking Alex in toxic goo. And from then on, she could turn herself into liquid. And now the chemical company is hunting her down so they can perform tests on her. So she also has to conceal a secret identity. From the government.

So what have we learned today? Well, apart from the fact that kids these days just don't appreciate oversized flannel shirts like they used to, contemporary kids' shows possess a glimmer and shine that '90s kids' shows never even dreamed of. But to be honest, ritzy studio touches, like the soundstage sets and the obnoxious laugh track, make them seem engineered and ingenuine.

The editing and directing aren't the only things that make new shows more glam--the plotlines themselves are very clear: these are NOT normal kids. Hannah Montana's a pop star, Zack and Cody are unbelievably wealthy enough to live in a hotel, and the iCarly kids have a famous and successful webcast. Life is good, and these kids are special, important people.

There's something more genuine about the darkness with which '90s shows portrayed late childhood--they didn't ignore the fear and confusion of puberty.

It seems that a depiction of kids who aren't extra-special-cool-awesome-famous-SUPAHSTAHS would in fact boost kids' self esteem, make them feel like they don't have to be a pop star or look a certain way. Then again, I'm not a ten year old. And if I were, and I had high self-esteem, I probably wouldn't be blowing my allowance on Hannah Montana merchandise. I mean, did you ever see people wearing Kiki T-shirts and bandanas? I think not.

I have to admit, I miss the days when children's programming continually winked at the adults in the room with oblique references that went way over kids' heads. By making kids' shows all about the kids, TV execs. have sacrificed depth; I think that's pretty evident when you take a look at vintage shows.

P.S. Another random observation: the '00s TV kids NEVER GO OUTSIDE. Think about it--creepy, huh? Maybe they glitter in direct sunlight...

Oz, "A Game of Checkers"

There's a scene in Arrested Development in which poor innocent George Michael Bluth accidentally stumbles across the HBO prison series Oz because he mistakes it for The Wizard of Oz and is forever scarred as a result. I too discovered Oz accidentally, and my poor fifteen-year-old mind was both fascinated and traumatized by the experience. For all its faults, I do love it, and so I've decided to recap one of my favorite episodes: the season one finale, "A Game of Checkers." Let's go!

We begin with both Schillinger and Beecher getting sent back to Em City. Schillinger convinces McManus that he'll stay out of trouble and not kill Beecher because his parole is coming up soon. Meanwhile, Beecher is mentally unstable: not mentally unstable like Adebisi, but mentally unstable in a kind of wacky and annoying way. "I shit all over a man," he tells McManus, "It's not normal."

Yeah, whatever, Beecher. You know what's really not normal? The total lack of ass shots in this episode. Zero. Ass. Shots. And Oz is usually so generous in this regard! On the other hand, this does mean that we're spared the sight of Beecher's pasty ass as he's being let out of the Hole. Small mercies, I supposed.

Here's Adebisi calling Schillinger an asswipe, just because he can.

Things are heating up in Oz. McManus has figured out that Scott Ross, new head of the Aryans, has been extorting cigarettes from Diane and makes her promise to stop. Scott Ross is not pleased with this development. There's been turnover among the Latinos as well; Miguel is the new leader. Comfortingly, some things always stay the same. Such as Kenny getting smacked around by Adebisi:

Also, there are rumors circulating that the Muslims are going to riot. These rumors are not inaccurate.

Although the Muslims don't start the riot, though they sure as hell end it. The riot starts for real when these two random guys get in a fight over a game of checkers, and it just devolves from there.

And so we learn, definitively, that Said really does rule the school. Having waited on the sidelines during the entire riot as the prisoners take over Oz, he takes control of the prisoners with a single gunshot. He then gathers the leaders of the major respective gangs to divide responsibilities and draw up a list of demands that the governor promptly ignores, deciding it would be better to send in SWAT team to sort the whole thing out.

But in the meantime, Scott Ross and the Aryans control the gate, Miguel and the Latinos get the hostages, and Adebisi's homeboys are in charge of all comings and goings. Ryan also gets a vote on the council, even though he only has Beecher backing him up. Factions quickly begin to form, with Ryan holding on to an uneasy alliance with Scott Ross and Adebisi, while Miguel sides with Said.

Hey, you know who I really don't need to hear a lecture on responsibility from?

Hill. Thanks anyway, though!

McManus decides to trade himself for two of the wounded hostages. He also brings sandwiches. As tension between Ross's and Adebisi's gangs start to erupt over the food, an exasperated Ryan steps in to distribute one sandwich to each prisoner. "Okay gents, line the fuck up! One...one...I said one, Wangler!" The other members (Said, Miguel, Adebisi, Scott Ross) on the short-lived council were there because they had lots of manpower. Ryan managed to get a place on the council because he was smart.

Meanwhile, it turns out that McManus and Said have major philosophical differences regarding the justice system! Who knew?!

The situation begins to unravel further as the prisoners start to run out of drugs, and Adebisi and most of his gang are tied up to keep them out of trouble as withdrawal begins. We are treated to one of the most insane flashbacks to ever grace this fine show:

Adebisi straight up cuts off an undercover police officer's head with a machete. Do not mess with this man.

At last, the season, episode and riot end with Devlin sending in the SWAT team to straighten things out, hostages be damned.

There really never was a dull moment on this show. Everything about it was so gratuitous and over the top, from the violence to the sex and nudity and insane storylines and characters. Oz wasn't a realistic prison show by any means, but it sure as hell was an entertaining one.