Oz, "A Game of Checkers"

There's a scene in Arrested Development in which poor innocent George Michael Bluth accidentally stumbles across the HBO prison series Oz because he mistakes it for The Wizard of Oz and is forever scarred as a result. I too discovered Oz accidentally, and my poor fifteen-year-old mind was both fascinated and traumatized by the experience. For all its faults, I do love it, and so I've decided to recap one of my favorite episodes: the season one finale, "A Game of Checkers." Let's go!

We begin with both Schillinger and Beecher getting sent back to Em City. Schillinger convinces McManus that he'll stay out of trouble and not kill Beecher because his parole is coming up soon. Meanwhile, Beecher is mentally unstable: not mentally unstable like Adebisi, but mentally unstable in a kind of wacky and annoying way. "I shit all over a man," he tells McManus, "It's not normal."

Yeah, whatever, Beecher. You know what's really not normal? The total lack of ass shots in this episode. Zero. Ass. Shots. And Oz is usually so generous in this regard! On the other hand, this does mean that we're spared the sight of Beecher's pasty ass as he's being let out of the Hole. Small mercies, I supposed.

Here's Adebisi calling Schillinger an asswipe, just because he can.

Things are heating up in Oz. McManus has figured out that Scott Ross, new head of the Aryans, has been extorting cigarettes from Diane and makes her promise to stop. Scott Ross is not pleased with this development. There's been turnover among the Latinos as well; Miguel is the new leader. Comfortingly, some things always stay the same. Such as Kenny getting smacked around by Adebisi:

Also, there are rumors circulating that the Muslims are going to riot. These rumors are not inaccurate.

Although the Muslims don't start the riot, though they sure as hell end it. The riot starts for real when these two random guys get in a fight over a game of checkers, and it just devolves from there.

And so we learn, definitively, that Said really does rule the school. Having waited on the sidelines during the entire riot as the prisoners take over Oz, he takes control of the prisoners with a single gunshot. He then gathers the leaders of the major respective gangs to divide responsibilities and draw up a list of demands that the governor promptly ignores, deciding it would be better to send in SWAT team to sort the whole thing out.

But in the meantime, Scott Ross and the Aryans control the gate, Miguel and the Latinos get the hostages, and Adebisi's homeboys are in charge of all comings and goings. Ryan also gets a vote on the council, even though he only has Beecher backing him up. Factions quickly begin to form, with Ryan holding on to an uneasy alliance with Scott Ross and Adebisi, while Miguel sides with Said.

Hey, you know who I really don't need to hear a lecture on responsibility from?

Hill. Thanks anyway, though!

McManus decides to trade himself for two of the wounded hostages. He also brings sandwiches. As tension between Ross's and Adebisi's gangs start to erupt over the food, an exasperated Ryan steps in to distribute one sandwich to each prisoner. "Okay gents, line the fuck up! One...one...I said one, Wangler!" The other members (Said, Miguel, Adebisi, Scott Ross) on the short-lived council were there because they had lots of manpower. Ryan managed to get a place on the council because he was smart.

Meanwhile, it turns out that McManus and Said have major philosophical differences regarding the justice system! Who knew?!

The situation begins to unravel further as the prisoners start to run out of drugs, and Adebisi and most of his gang are tied up to keep them out of trouble as withdrawal begins. We are treated to one of the most insane flashbacks to ever grace this fine show:

Adebisi straight up cuts off an undercover police officer's head with a machete. Do not mess with this man.

At last, the season, episode and riot end with Devlin sending in the SWAT team to straighten things out, hostages be damned.

There really never was a dull moment on this show. Everything about it was so gratuitous and over the top, from the violence to the sex and nudity and insane storylines and characters. Oz wasn't a realistic prison show by any means, but it sure as hell was an entertaining one.