Puberty, Then and Now:

Better, Faster, Stronger, More Hair Extensions.

It's a little early to start with the "kids these days" rants, but I think you'll agree with me that certain cultural elements are revolutionizing our ideas regarding that much maligned stage of life known as puberty. I am specifically referring to the depiction of puberty on the Disney channel and Nickelodeon.

Time was when all you needed to be a cute little adolescent was a scrunchie, a modicum of hygiene know-how, and a plucky can-do attitude. Not so anymore! Gear up kiddies: if you want to depict an "ordinary kid" in a kids show, you better BRING IT, and by it, I mean a caffeine high, a diet, a stylist, an acting coach, a Dolce&Gabbana wardrobe, and a spare cat's worth of hair extensions.

No kidding! (So to speak). Don't believe me? Allow me to illustrate my point with a few comparisons. Here we go: '90s kids and '00s wunderkinds head to head! Game on!

First off, the storytellers:

"iCarly"

According to imdb.com users, these kids run a web show from Carly's (center) brother's loft apartment. They are "underground celebrities to kids" and their show features hilarious comedy sketches...!

Say, those kids tell stories to other kids, kind of like the '90s classic...

"Are You Afraid of the Dark"

These guys, who, judging from their expressions, we can only assume have just seen Andrew Lloyd Weber in a loin cloth, are the members of the Midnight Society. They gather late at night in the woods to tell spooky stories around the campfire. So pretty much the only technology they use to their advantage is the powder they throw on the fire to make it flare up.

This is a good showdown to kick it off with, as "Are You Afraid of the Dark" utilizes many of the most common '90s stereotypes: the dumb good looking guy, the dorky smart guy, and last but certainly not least, the incredibly androgenous, deep-voiced tomboy, here named Kiki:

DON'T MESS.

Compare her to Carly's equally deep-voiced, aggressive best friend, Sam:

Umm, yeah...'nuff said?
Though it's pretty clear that Goldilocks here couldn't hold a candle to Kiki in a fight, it's interesting that the tomboy lives on...though in a decidedly more femme manifestation. But what's with the Rapunzel hair anyway? Could you handle a curling iron at twelve?

Ok, so points to the "iCarly" kids for grooming, and both shows score in the nonexistent parent category, but I'm giving full points to the "Are You Afraid of the Dark" kids for jaded worldview.
While "iCarly" focuses on comedy, the tales told by the members of the Midnight Society freqeuntly feature underlying themes of home invasion, stalking, a mistrust of the old and the antique, and an Oedipal fear of bringing about the death of one's parents. That's some pretty heavy stuff for a sunny Saturday afternoon!

Time for some buddies who get into mischief...

"The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"

Twin aryan ideals Zack and Cody live in a hotel. Inevitable hijinks ensue.

Hey, there are two boys starring in that one, just like...

"The Adventures of Pete and Pete"

Ok, this one's a weird one. Pete is a (possibly Caulkin?) ginger with a younger brother who, in an absentee-parent-of-the-century move, is also named Pete. Lil' Pete is a bit of a psycho, and all of the kids in this one are just a little...strange. And kinda dirty. For example, the bully is known simply as Pit Stains. Oh, and it seems to feature cameos of classic '90s pop stars, like bandmembers from R.E.M., the New York Dolls, the Violent Femmes, the B52s, and more--pretty cool considering these guys are definitely not Disney-approved stars. This show is one of a dying breed; I think the concept of having a show just about kids doing things that kids might actually do is extinct now. It's also difficult to describe, so I'll just throw out a clip of the gang making friends with what appears to be the neighborhood child molester. Not Artie; the Tastee guy. Yep. Mr. Tastee.



Compare that to this segment of the summer school episode of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody." Check out the hair extensions on this cast!





Once again, the '90s show has to take the award for being twisted and jaded. I mean, Lil' Pete has a tattoo of a sexy woman he calls Petunia on his arm. Come on! That kid is hard core. Way harder core than two nimrods who play in a hotel lobby.

And now it's time for the secret identity showdown!

"Hannah Montana"

So Miley Cyrus has a music career. But you know what sucks about having a music career? You don't get to be a normal kid anymore. So she enters into her music career under the pseudonym Hannah Montana. So when she's not performing in a blonde wig, she can just be normal brunette Miley Cyrus. And nobody notices.

"The Secret World of Alex Mack"

Alex Mack lives in a town dominated by a large chemical plant and she doesn't like to look both ways before crossing the street. Why is this a recipe for thrilling adventure? Because one day, when she was not looking both ways before crossing the street, she got hit by a truck carrying high-tech chemicals. One of the barrels burst open, soaking Alex in toxic goo. And from then on, she could turn herself into liquid. And now the chemical company is hunting her down so they can perform tests on her. So she also has to conceal a secret identity. From the government.

So what have we learned today? Well, apart from the fact that kids these days just don't appreciate oversized flannel shirts like they used to, contemporary kids' shows possess a glimmer and shine that '90s kids' shows never even dreamed of. But to be honest, ritzy studio touches, like the soundstage sets and the obnoxious laugh track, make them seem engineered and ingenuine.

The editing and directing aren't the only things that make new shows more glam--the plotlines themselves are very clear: these are NOT normal kids. Hannah Montana's a pop star, Zack and Cody are unbelievably wealthy enough to live in a hotel, and the iCarly kids have a famous and successful webcast. Life is good, and these kids are special, important people.

There's something more genuine about the darkness with which '90s shows portrayed late childhood--they didn't ignore the fear and confusion of puberty.

It seems that a depiction of kids who aren't extra-special-cool-awesome-famous-SUPAHSTAHS would in fact boost kids' self esteem, make them feel like they don't have to be a pop star or look a certain way. Then again, I'm not a ten year old. And if I were, and I had high self-esteem, I probably wouldn't be blowing my allowance on Hannah Montana merchandise. I mean, did you ever see people wearing Kiki T-shirts and bandanas? I think not.

I have to admit, I miss the days when children's programming continually winked at the adults in the room with oblique references that went way over kids' heads. By making kids' shows all about the kids, TV execs. have sacrificed depth; I think that's pretty evident when you take a look at vintage shows.

P.S. Another random observation: the '00s TV kids NEVER GO OUTSIDE. Think about it--creepy, huh? Maybe they glitter in direct sunlight...