Ali Lohan, "Christmas Magic"

Sometimes it's good to hate. With that in mind, I'd be remiss to not share Ali Lohan's "Christmas Magic." Watch along with me!

0:05 Weird, maggoty looking snowflakes begin to crawl all over the screen for the next four minutes as Lohan the younger wanders aimlessly through the Christmas trees. I don't really need to see any of this. On the other hand, I absolutely do need to see an Ali Lohan music video about the magic of Hanukkah. Unfortunately, I looked up the songs in Lohan Holiday, and none of them appear to be in anyway Hanukkah related. No Kwanzaa-inspired tunes either. Alas.

0:23 The singing begins amidst occasional sepia images of Aryan children playing with toys and old people dancing as more poorly animated swirlies flutter across the screen. Santa makes an appearance in there somewhere.

1:28 This is supposed to be a Christmas tree lot, but the trees are already decorated. Curious.

1:47 SOUL.

2:49 Wardrobe change, complete with shiny gold elbow length gloves and a tiara. Also, she appears to be wearing pants under the dress.

2:56 Furry #1

3:19 Furry #2. Rudolph, I presume?

3:25 Truly terrifying.

Now, I don't demand technical perfection, but girl can't sing. And if you can't sing, you'd better have the character to make up for it, which Ali Lohan also doesn't have. She's totally dead behind the eyes as she stands there awkwardly. She knows the video sucks and doesn't care, and she doesn't commit to the song either. The lyrics are alternatively extremely muddled or just embarrassingly bad. Fair enough, I probably couldn't do much better, but I'm not the one shilling my shitty album. I'd be more inclined to be forgiving (she's going through puberty! Her voice is still developing!) if I hadn't seen an episode of Living With The Lohans. On a show designed to make these people look good, Ali comes across as a brat. Though I blame it on the mother for the most part--fourteen-year-olds do not need "careers"--the sense of entitlement that pervades the show is just grotesque and therefore only contributes to the overall horror of "Christmas Magic." In sum: Ali Lohan can neither sing, nor has much to say anyway.

See, wasn't that cathartic?